Wednesday, November 28, 2007

"Fear is the great thief of time..."

And let me add, so are end of year grant submissions! But seriously, I really like this quote, and find rather apropos for my lingering struggles--which, for the record, aren't as bad as they have been in the past. Since last time, I have endured 2 house parties rife with food, one of which was Turkey Day. I have been slowly able to introduce additional liquids to my diet outside of gatorade, and am finding ways to slip in some protein now and then, too. But, I still admit that I feel sick to my stomach most of the day, every day. Whether it be a better ability to endure the feeling, or the fact that I really am getting better, who knows? (And does it matter?)

What I have realized is that my anxiety (i.e. "fear") can be so consuming, and that one of its tricks is to steal time away from your day. Now, that doesn't mean that they day flies by, because anyone who has been sick knows that minutes feel like hours, but the anxiety takes the time you would normally use for: conversing, exercising, relaxing, reading, etc. and captures it for its own use. Well, a few weeks back I decided to wage war against my anxiety as it was the least I could do given that I have little control over the nausea. I think I am winning.

I am going to post an around 8 week belly shot. The only time I look anything other than too skinny is after a meal, and my belly can really get taught. I'll take it! I did have a great appointment today, and they think I am about a week and a half or so behind my calendar due day. That now puts us in the first week of July for delivery. Eric got to go to this appointment, and it was funny--for both of us! His first comment upon walking into the exam room was, "I have never been in a room with more than 1 person naked." Well, I wasn't naked, but bare from the waist down. He also was surprised at how small the stirrups were (yes, I still have to get an internal u/s because my uterus is tilted back, and no one can get a thing from a transabdominal one). He said, "I thought they would be suspended from the ceiling or something." True, they aren't a medieval torture device, BUT...YOU TRY undressing, saddling up, and then having someone have to coax you to "scoot down," and "open your legs as wide as you can." Physically small or not, they certainly aren't comfortable. Anyway, we got a fun ultrasound! I will see if I can scan the images in the computer sometime. Instead of just a yolk sac, we finally saw a large head, "boxing glove" hands, and a heart beat. For anyone else, I am sure it looks like a blurry, bloated kidney bean, but as first time parents, Eric was already an "expert" u/s reader, and even identified what he determined to be an "Ali chin."

Now, I am going through the circus of changing health insurance companies, and am nervous about the continuity of my care. I am no longer going to see a psychologist (hey, those 2 times did wonders!), and am not completely sure about the new OB office. They are much more "intimate," but there are no midwives in the practice, and I cannot get my labs online, or use an e-mail system as I did with Kaiser. Still, I get to deliver at a new facility close to home, and the OB office is certainly a lot closer than driving all the way to Tucker to Kaiser!

Okay, picture time! This is me...just chillin; well, chillin' in my sports bra for the sake of a belly picture. (At least I am wearing my sports bra for something!) The second picture is Eric and my attempt at making the biggest belly possible (notice you cannot see how far my back is arched). It is hard to imagine there may be a time when I want to be smaller. Heck, it is still hard to imagine I have a 1 inch baby in my uterus!


-I am grateful that Eric got to go to the doctor with me today. We laughed a lot. (Especially at the "introductory video" we had to watch in the antenatal room. It must have been made circa 1996). I think we both realize that this is really happening...Linus is not a figment of our imaginations!

-I am grateful for not overwhelming myself with scary stories on the Internet anymore. Instead, I have been enjoying 2 completely different, but great books: A Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy and Ina May's Childbirth Stories. Although I don't see myself completely aligned with either "side," I think they both do their part (in completely different ways) of empowering women during pregnancy. It also helps me realize that it is such an incredibly unique and individual experience. I would like to go as natural as possible, but also have a greater sense of perspective regarding the potential need for intervention. Of course, talk to me in a few months...right now, I am just trying to get over this first trimester!

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