Monday, February 22, 2010

"You're just bastard [cancer] and I'm goin' home and I'm gonna I'm gonna bite my pillow"

(Here's a picture we took of us in our Team Heintz North Face shirts we got when we were married. We are looking to get both of the boys some more "Team Heintz" gear. Felix has almost outgrown the organic "Team Heintz" onesie he inherited from Miles. All gear is thanks to Studs and Bec!)
From randoms


First, I know what you are thinking--there's $1 for the Heintz family fowe jar. (For new readers, it's our family's swear/college fund jar). Well, now that jar has turned into the Emory Winship Cancer parking fund...and "bastard" hasn't made it to the list yet, anyway. Please do yourself the favor, especially if you have any history in theater, to rent and watch Waiting For Guffman from which my altered post title is from. Christopher Guest movies just make me smile.

Perhaps exacerbated by Felix crying from 8pm until 1am last night resulting in his hernia growing in size to now look like a shiny honey glazed doughnut hole attached to his belly...and then Miles waking up for no reason at 1:30am and again at 4am due to a thunderstorm...oh, and Eric letting me know he is getting Miles's cold and has a sore throat (It's from the cold, right? Has the cancer spread? That's my life for at least 5 years)...but I had an angry, weepy day.

I didn't bite my pillow, but I screamed into it many times last night and again today. Rage, meet Ali...Ali, meet rage. And then in the midst of colic, Felix will present us with this you know what eating grin, and for a split second I can convince myself that this is all going to be okay. And then Eric, the one with little c, consoles me. Guilt, meet Ali...Ali, meet guilt.

We have a close friend, KF, whose husband has been battling cancer for over 100 days, and another friend, SD, whose beautiful son is currently waging his war against cancer as well. Both have already proven to be amazing emotional resources and can speak to the vast emotions one who is in the position of support feels during this time. I will not speak for Eric and his emotions on this blog (but invite him to post any time...can't promise it will happen), so I recognize that this blog primarily will be about my reactions and emotions. And yet, I still feel selfish in reacting in any way outside of strong and supportive. That is where relying on others in my position becomes pivotal. How do I articulate feeling thankful we are not alone when it is at the cost of others' suffering? That is what I am trying to reconcile. I hesitate saying, "I am so glad we are not alone." I mean, I am glad, but not glad others are enduring.

I also need to acknowledge the enormous outpouring of support we continue to get every day. I try to respond to 3 e-mails or messages every night while also spending as much quality time with my family as I can. A few weeks back I posted about our amazing family photography session with Danielle Bryson, and we were gearing up to figure out what pictures we wanted to purchase for our records. Our session expired online the day Eric was diagnosed with little c. I wrote a brief message to Danielle asking if we could extend the viewing because of Eric's situation. Of course she obliged. What made is laugh (because you HAVE to sometimes) is that our last session was Miles's 1 year, and he was so unhappy during the session. We found out after he was walking around on a broken leg the whole time! This time, Eric was smiling during all of the pictures while we had no idea little c was ravaging his tongue. Anyway, yesterday after my run someone knocked at the door. Danielle came by with a big box and card. She had printed out a ton of the pictures in all sorts of sizes as a gift to "give us a smile." I lost it. Cried like a colicky Felix. Of course we are still going order quite a few photos in time, but I am so excited to put some pictures up because they make my heart melt and give me strength. If you are in Atlanta and looking for a photographer, I IMPLORE you to use Danielle. She is not only a beautiful photographer, but beautiful spirit as well.

In a completely illegal move, I took a picture of the pictures she gave us because I just wanted to post the family one that truly represents us. It is far from "perfect" in the sense that none of us look "model-esque," but Eric and I think it totally reflects our quirky family. Please note Miles's adorable face and our one-eyed wonder, Felix. The 2nd picture makes me cry. I have no comment beyond that.
From randoms
From randoms


I realize my way with words and engaging blog has turned into a generally flat account of the facts and stats of our lives with little c, but please bear with me. I'll get my "mojo" back and I promise this will continue to be an engaging read.

To end, Here's a picture of Felonious Chunk and Miles in all of his snotty, sleepy glory. Part of me feels a little disconnected to chronicling their lives, especially Felix--damn cancer (see, there is that rage). I know my mother thirsts for pictures of her grandchildren, so these two are for you, Mom.
From randoms
From randoms

7 comments:

  1. I totally remember that line yelled petulantly by a fey Christopher Guest! You will have to get ahold of some of those films to laugh at.
    This post made me laugh and cry all at the same time. As I told you on the phone - of course no one wants "good company" in dealing with "little c". We wouldn't wish it on anyone, but since it rears its ugly head, thank goodness there are empathetic and supportive people to help. We will look to the day when you are in a position to offer help and inspiration to another family dealing with cancer and/or colicky new babies and cold stricken toddlers (it may be rare to find someone dealing with all that at one time...)
    The photos are amazing, and Danielle is an angel!
    Thanks for the last two pictures of Felix and Miles for photo hungry Nana, the cuties.
    Have a better night, I pray.

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  2. WOW - Danielle's gesture just about made me lose it. How is it that the kindness of others can break down our walls and make us so vulnerable? Thank life for the graciousness and generosity of those that make it all worth it.

    I LOVE YOU!!!!

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  3. What a wonderful gesture to cheer you up after such a difficult week. The photos are so lovely. Let your feelings flow. It's a roller coaster, but you are handling it so well (despite what you think). There is no right or wrong, but better out that in!

    I love you too!!!

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  4. Love the pictures Alison...the second one made me weep as well!

    Hang in there girl...each day is a day closer to kicking cancer to the curb!

    Love Sara!

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  5. In the dark corners of your mind where you really do not want to go, let the peace seep in that is the yin to this horrible little c yang.
    luv ya guys!
    Go Eric! Go Ali! Go snotty babes!

    Karen
    And for the rest of ya, Yep, I'm the KF from today's post. And, drumroll..... its actually been 382 days for Bob and we're expecting zillions more to come c free.

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  6. I'm sure you've seen this already... http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/02/19/george.karl.throat.cancer/

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