Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Escorts, Hickeys & Water Play

Escorts, hickeys and water play...oh my! Sounds like a menu of genres from the Video Vault's VHS selection that was housed behind those curious swinging doors. (The worst was when you went to go rent A Walk in the Clouds and heard someone selecting a video from behind the doors, just praying that 1) s/he wouldn't come out while you were still in the store, 2) if s/he did come out, it wasn't someone you knew--especially a friend's parent, and 3) if it was someone you knew, that s/he didn't make eye contact or try to exchange pleasantries.)

Yup. That was our 4th of July. Really though--do you think our life is that titillating?

I birthed two children in less than 2 years: I had 7 minutes with my feet up on the couch yesterday, munchin' on some TJ's organic olive oil popcorn while Felix was playing in the jumperoo and Miles was driving his matchbox "geen carn" through an old cardboard box. Forget 10 minutes of heaven in a closet--THAT, my friends, is 7 minutes of heaven. And it was really exactly 7 minutes. You start your CHRONO function on your watch for these moments. Someday I'll get to 10...

But...I did come away from the weekend with a bona fide hickey. Felix is a love monster. That, and he has been teething BAD for like 2 years straight. Okay, so perhaps that's an exaggeration given he's only 6 months old, but it feels like 2 years. Or 10. He fell asleep on my shoulder while we were at the pool and apparently started playing with Mr Sandman while mid suck. And this isn't the first time I have gotten a hickey in a non-traditional hickey way. (There are a select few of you who know of my other incident. It involved an overly curious 4-5 year old version of myself, a vacuum, a concerned mother who did not know what to think when her little daughter couldn't explain the hickey on her chest that was revealed as she changed her from her bathing suit, and a grandfather who immediately recognized the source of the perfectly circular marking.)

Needless to say, I didn't wear a sleeveless shirt to the office. You know everyone's response:

Skeptical co-workers to each other: "Hsss...Psst...Did you see her shoulder?"
Ali: "Okay everyone. Enough of the whispering; Felix gave me a hickey."
Skeptical co-worker: "SUUURE. You know those little babies...giving hickeys to their mommies."

And then they would look for evidence of cover-up that is clearly too dark or too light for areas outside of my face. We all saw those poor cover-up jobs in middle school, no? (Don't mind the haggard face. At least it is overshadowed by both my infant induced hickey and insanely white skin. Someone even commented on how white I was. I thanked them, and then thanked my dermatologist for reassuring me that white is the new tan. At least in the oncology world.)

You think that is bad, how about the fact that Eric moonlights every 4th of July as an ESCORT?? Five years, now. And the worst part? He does it for free...Okay, the joke is getting old. Eric escorts the elite women runners for Atlanta's famous Peachtree Road Race 10K. This isn't just a leisurely jog with some junior varsity runners. This a group of guys who are paired with one of the top 15 women runners. The guys are charged with jumping into the race 1/2 way through, holding a marker flag with their assigned woman...and praying they don't get absolutely hosed. Eric was lucky #11 this time, and was essentially running 5 minute and 10 second miles. Meaning, these women were running that pace for over 6 miles...some even faster. INSANE.
This picture was from his time back in 2006. I have absolutely no rights to this picture, so please don't sue me. We've already had a rough go of it this year, I don't need to hire a lawyer. (Interestingly, it was the first picture to appear when I Googled "Peachtree Road Race Escorts.")

We spent the 4th of July weekend hanging out as a family, going running as a family, playing an insane amount in homemade forts, and chilling at the neighborhood pool. Miles has already been to a variety of pools this year and is getting a little more gutsy when it comes to water play.
From Fourth of July 2010
Felix would rather give his mother love bites, or eat the camera.
From Fourth of July 2010
I guess that is what you do at 6 months old. What??? SIX MONTHS? Holy teething tablets; my son turned 6 months old this weekend! I was too busy monitoring him putting everything in his mouth to notice. This weekend All. He. Did. Was. CHEW.
From Fourth of July 2010
From Fourth of July 2010
From Fourth of July 2010
Or wear a wife beater...(I changed the name to mommy sucker)
From Fourth of July 2010
Or celebrate Stud's birthday in a cardboard box. (I mean, how ELSE does a 6 month old and 2 year old celebrate?)
From Fourth of July 2010
Or wake up from a nap with wonky hair...
From Fourth of July 2010
Miles on the other hand, is more refined and showed us how a true gentleman eats watermelon:
From Fourth of July 2010
And shares in the spoils:
From Fourth of July 2010
Look REALLY closely to the first watermelon pictures. You'll spot one of Felix's hairs attached to his face with a crumb of multi-grain bread. (Huzzah! It's not mine for once!) Combined with the red watermelon juices, it looks like Miles's face is record of some sordid brother battle that involved a teething duo, broken skin, dripping blood...and a random watermelon seed. 

And yes. The watermelon tasted as good as it looks. 

Happy Fourth!

Full album of the Heintz's x-rated holiday here. And if by x-rated, I mean x-tra benign, kid-tested, mother approved.

(Don't worry. I haven't forgotten to post about the baptism and our trip to Boston. But I am waiting to see if I can get my hands on some pictures taken by Opa since I was too busy wiping baptismal water from my toddler's eyes. Hint. Hint. Nudge. Nudge.)


  1. Awesome post. Had a huge smile on my face the whole time! Love the pictures! HAPPY 4th!