Thursday, April 21, 2011

BREACH!!

Short (read: I say short, but it will be long) story before I post on our Easter Egg-stravaganza...

We are currently vacationing up in New England to see loads of family.

Grandparents/parents: check!
Aunts and Uncles: check! (times two)
New baby cousin: check!

Ah, home! (I still call my childhood house home most of the time...)

Anyone hiring in Western, MA for a great High School teacher and/or a professional organizer? (No, that's not my profession, but I kind of think I want to be one.) Salary requirements--$249,000--right below that tax threshold.

I'll wait for you to stop laughing.

Okay, let's resume.

The Heintz flight travel manifesto states that you must fly at night. Throw the kids in pajamas, wear them out, pack loads of carbohydrates, books, small toys, (a 3oz flask of gin for mom and dad--hey, it's within the travel volume limit! And yes. I'm JOKING! I totally prefer vodka...hee hee), ear plugs for your neighbors who inevitably whisper "please oh please oh please do not let that family with two small--but may I say undeniably beautiful---boys sit within a 5 rows of me," and then good  ole fashion PRAYER from Mom and Dad.

Dear God.

Please make this flight bearable. I'd appreciate it if tantrums were kept to a minimum, and if I floss every day, can you throw in both sleeping for a good portion of the ride?

I have to say--we DREAD car rides. We've never had good luck with them. It's always been a long, painful process. But we've had lots of luck with flying. I don't know why, but the boys have always done pretty well.

Shoot. There I went and jinxed it.

The airport is another story, but at least the chaos, noise, crying, etc can be diffused in such a large area.

And truly, the flight up to Boston wasn't too bad. Felix flirted. Miles occasionally watched a DVD and pretended to sleep. And both boys fought over my lap. In the end Felix passed out, and Miles just generally enjoyed hearing all the stories about how the plane lands (and maybe heard us bribe him that if he was quiet he could go with Grandpa and Daddy one morning to get doughnuts. Sign me up--I've started to bribe.)

But getting onto that flight was a different story.

After work, we all frantically rushed to get out the door by 4:45pm to make our 7pm flight. Traveling with small kids requires this kind of buffer. And then we realized Felix's tortellini was at school. DETOUR. Luckily, or unluckily, our flight was delayed until 8pm.

Security line--both children, suffering from low blood sugar--started melting down. Great. We were "that" family. And although Felix was satisfied with Cheddar Bunnies, Miles just didn't want anything but a bad attitude.

We rushed to take off shoes, empty pockets (you cannot even carry lint or a wish in your pocket anymore), threw the bags, stroller and NOT the kids onto the security conveyor belt...and then we heard:

BREACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A man was running toward the escalators, and the whole security area shut down. It became silent, and everyone's eyes got bigger and hearts beat a little faster. We were essentially told not to do a thing--move, blink, breathe, toot...Gates were shut. Uniformed TSA peeps started moving in formation...I must say it made me feel a little better about airport security. And man those people can quiet an entire airport down in less than 5 seconds.

But Felix didn't get the memo, and loud and clear you could hear him call out in either Ewok or Gremlin. (Good thing he is cute.)

After a few minutes, we were told to resume. Just a test! Um, my almost 3 year old did not understand that. I think Miles just about wet his diaper when all this happened. And we weren't just in the line--we were 2 steps from going through the metal detector. So going through after the faux breach consisted of carrying a white knuckled, trembling child through what I told him was an "airplane tunnel", and that the whole ordeal was nothing more than...um, nothing more than...ah yes: AIRPORT FREEZE DANCE!

Not sure he bought it.

And then at the gate, we met a little boy named DJ, who I was sure was probably about 4. Until his Daddy told me that his 3rd birthday was next month. Wait...so is Miles's! This kid could eats pancakes the size of Miles for breakfast. He was "hefty." And funny. And the 3 boys started racing up and down the aisles. And then Felix would scare unsuspecting passengers hooked up to their iPhones and iPads with his dinosaur ROAR! He just waddled on up in his pjs to anyone, and then literally roared at them.

We were totally that family.

But then we got on the plane, and things were okay...

Until we got off at almost 11pm. And the kids didn't go to sleep until after midnight.

But the happy ending is that they slept in, right?

Felix was up at 5:30am--Miles at 6:10am.

The early bird catches the grumpy parents.

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