Monday, July 18, 2011

A Case of the Weekdays

You know that saying, "oh, I have a case of the Mondays."

I hereby update it to "dang. I have a case of the Weekdays."

My company was reduced by over 40% on Friday (still employed, though!) and now we have an even more impossible task of executing work with far fewer resources. I'm a little worried what the fall will look like once my Mom leaves and Eric begins his all consuming job as teacher and XC coach.

I've been forced into a role of workaholic, and the worst is that it is going to start affecting my coveted weekends.

You see, weekends is when we cram in the family time--pools, parties, playgrounds, etc, and now I am just wondering how to accomplish my weekday responsibilities without opening up the laptop while my kids go down the slides (or at least anxiously watch bigger kids go down the slides while taking a more conservative approach with the "crazy bridge" repeats), or when we are slated to do fun things like go to the zoo. Yes, there are naptimes and after the boys' bedtime, but the struggle is that I also have this thing called "a life" and would love to spend time with Eric. Maybe watch a movie from time to time, and finish the queue of books to read. Dare I even mention knitting. It's like I feel guilty for even having the urge to do more than just work.

And this weekend, I started getting uber grumpy at the pool Sunday night with just the thought of coming into work. It's slowly chipping away at my soul, so I need to act fast. Or at least as fast as a methodical approach to resolving the utter professional/personal imbalance I am experiencing, which is only getting worse. And in full disclosure (because when have I held back?) it's making the process of getting over what happened the other week a tad harder. Perhaps I am missing that amazing something to look forward to come Valentine's Day (who am I kidding? I would have delivered well before Feb 14th given my track record). I don't like being grumpy. It doesn't suit me very well.

It seems not to make sense--wouldn't you be even more happy and invested and joyful during those brief family moments you do get now? But for some reason, I'm riddled with work stress and paranoia, and get even more short with the hubster and kids when I am not in the office. I have a hard time compartmentalizing things, and now with work coming home with me more frequently, am even more unsure how to do it.

Any amazing ideas out there?

Money isn't everything, but a relatively flexible in office schedule (able to leave each day at 3:45 to pick up the boys from childcare, which ends at 4:30), solid pay and benefits are all hard to give up. Granted, the out of office work I am going to be doing is increasing dramatically, and I may need to hire a nanny to watch the kids if I start traveling every week.

But my children ARE everything...and I am not a good Mommy right now. And truth be told, until the dust settles from losing almost half of my company, I'm probably not a great employee right now, either.

It's the eternal working mother's dilemma...

In the meantime, it is my objective, as much as possible, to push work stress and obligations out of my head for at least the hours of 5pm-7pm to enjoy family dinner, bath, and bedtimes. Even if and when the tantrums hit, underwear gets saturated, and I tuck the boys in knowing they have only eating a whole wheat roll. I'm cherishing these moments, and expecting them to carry me through the next day to 5pm again.

I mean, what's the alternative?

4 comments:

  1. Let's talk this week. We are so on the same wave length.

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  2. Please let me know if you find the secret.

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  3. Oh, Ali. I'm so sorry to hear about this. I know how hard it's been with the downsizing and cutting of funds even a year ago! Maybe you just need to simplify. Sure money and benefits are nice, but it IS eating away at your soul... maybe it's time to leave? Maybe they love you so much they'll give you anything you ask if you say you'll leave?

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  4. I agree with Rebecca, and it's breaking my heart to witness what the job is doing to you, honey. You all deserve better.

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