Sunday, January 8, 2012

Urophagia

Listen, I usually reserve blogging for one or two nights a week and then strategically post them throughout the week. But sometimes, life throws you such great moments that you have to blast children's music, throw all the toys on the floor, and tell the kids to entertain themselves while you document life's hilarity. Ya know...like the human jock strap episode we had.

Okay: SCENE

We are on snack #3 at 9am. It's dreary, drizzly, and I am already anticipating a really long day inside. The quiet chair and glitter jar have been used excessively, and I've even contemplated giving the boys a bath just to contain them. It feels like an extra long morning especially since my boys are both naked from the waist down, and I have a holster of ready Bac Out and Nature's Miracle weighing me down.

Ahh, prolonged potty training.

I put my two exhibitionists at the table eating watermelon and crunchy granola bars while I work to remove the garbage. My inner environmentalist is not proud, but I try to remove the garbage as much as possible, even if not full, because the smell of urine soaked diapers and poopy pull-ups has such a visceral effect on me, I've been known to gag. (And no, it's not due to any other fact than my olfactory system is and has always been sensitive.)

I hear Felix gag and sort of barf. Usually it's Miles who I am running to get a projectile oatmeal facial, but this was definitely Felix.

Felix was apparently trying to shove both the square of hard granola bar and watermelon in his mouth at the same time. Maybe it was his attempt at an avant-garde amuse-bouche; I've always wanted a private chef.

Anyway, he must have choked on the bar, and then spit out the macerated granola right on his penis...along with a huge chunk of watermelon.

Wait, it gets better.  Slow-mo, I am leaning toward him to wipe up his genital hors d'oeuvre, and then it happens:


HE RELEASES HIS ENTIRE BLADDER ON HIS CHAIR AND HALF EATEN FOOD.


Didn't we just have a successful potty run?


Apparently his bladder is the size of a watermelon. (Too soon for that joke?)


So, I've got crotch broth and a stunned Felix.


I take him off the chair, strip him down, reach for the Bac Out and a dry rag...and then it gets even better...


HE SHOVES THE URINE SOAKED WATERMELON CHUNK BACK IN HIS MOUTH.


What does one do at this point? I tried the finger sweep, but he swallowed too fast. 


I just stood there. He just stood there. The urine and macerated granola bar just stood there.


It was a toss up: call the nurse help line, or laugh. 


I laughed. 


And then I soaked my house in Bac Out and Nature's Miracle.


You know...some of the earliest human cultures used urine as a medicine.

God...motherhood is grand, ain't it?

3 comments:

  1. Oh dear god!! Ha ha ha! Ack! Well, watermelon IS v tasty. But I may never eat it again.

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  2. Oh goodness! I can picture (and sharing your super-sensitive olfactory sense) smell the whole incident! I'm glad you had the sense to laugh. It's something with which to torment him when he's a snarly teenager...

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  3. I just love this story. I almost spit out my own food... because I was laughing so hard. Gotta love moments like those!

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