Tuesday, July 3, 2012

You can pick your friends...

'cause I'm not going to pretend
that I don't pick my nose
that's just the way it is, my friends
that's just the way it goes
this is who I am
what I do
and what I say
if you like it, let it be
if you don't, please do the same
I fight with love
I laugh with rage
you gotta live light enough to see the humour
and long enough to see some change
-Ani DiFranco, Pick Yer Nose

Right after I publish my pumping book, "Pump up the Jams and Pump out the Baby Food" (book on tape narrated by Morgan Freeman clearly), I'm going straight into penning "The Tao of Ani DiFranco". I just have to get that whole punctuation inside or outside the quotations thing down. Yeah, and dilute that nauseating stream of consciousness thing I do. 

I love me some Ani: pre- and post-lesbianism. And I love that my older musical elitist brothers hate her. Outside of The Beatles' ("Hey Jude" and "Yellow Submarine" specifically), there is no other artist I love to belt out in the car. 

They say no one's finger fits as comfortably in your nose as your own.

Felix's sensory organs all have a little special sumthin' sumthin' going on.

Ears: broken
  • Low set ear scare (at his 1 month appt the pediatrician told me that his ears looked too low set, which according to Google, does not bode well for subsequent gene pools. Thankfully, it was an aesthetic anomaly I relate to both the inhospitably small uterus he grew in, and the terribly small luge he birthed through in T-minus ten minutes.)
  • Crinkle in one side's helix/antihelix (see above for hypothetical and unscientifically founded explanation)
  • Chronic ear infections leading to tubes
  • Clogged tubes leading to tubes...again
Mouth: crowded and angry
  • Just before his 2 yo birthday, the pediatric dentist assured me that he would be getting extensive orthodontic care due to a significantly small mouth and crowded teeth.
  • Have I mentioned before he's part cannibal?
Eyes: enormous
  • This boy's eyeballs literally look like two glossy golf balls protruding from his head. (To be honest, this isn't a bad thing. I love his eyes. They are just, well, huge.)
Nose: over picked
  • I have a nose picker.
  • Worse? I have a nose picker who then CONSUMES HIS BOOGERS!
"Oh Ali, all kids pick their noses at some point. It's not like he has picked it so consistently that it has bled...Oh. It has?"

Yup. This kid dives, digs, and does damage. He knows it is rude, but there is no shame. He does it at school. He does it in the bath. He does it when watching television, taking a nap, going to sleep. And he has done it so much that it has bled a number of times.

Okay, I can sorta-not-really-but-in-a-way understand the picking aspect. What I don't get is the eating part. Do boogers have some sort of mineral he is missing from his diet? (I am pretty sure they are non-nutritive.) Does this officially qualify as pica? You know like those people who eat potting soil and couch cushions.

Why couldn't he be a hair twirler or a thumb sucker? He better hope his charm and enormous eyes make the girls (or boys, I don't care as long as he's happy) forget about the whole digging for gold thing.

I have to say, even when Felix is "naughty", I secretly think he's cute. Sure, I'll put him in the quiet chair and reprimand him, but lord this boy just tickles me to the core. Until he picks his nose. Then I am in full disowning him mode. If in public, I quickly make sure to say so everyone can hear, "FELIX! Stop with that bad habit your father taught you!"  You know, just to deflect any assumption that he learned it from me. Just kidding!

Speaking of gold, let me end with one little "nugget" that I need to share because no one likes to suffer in silence.

Scene: Felix is in the bath with Miles (you know, filled with dirt, cooties, boy drippings, slugs, snails, and puppy dog tails), and starts in on his nose. I take his hand away from his face, but he swiftly ingests the booger. "Okay. Fine. You get an extra calorie for your daily intake. Let's hope it falls in the protein category." I get Felix out of the bath and start flossing his teeth. I'm expecting a grape peel, chicken "string" (you know what I am talking about) or mango fiber...but what I floss out is none other than a BIG GREEN BOOGER! Felix and I both look at it and say in concert "EWWWW!"

And then without pause he asks, "I eat it?"


  1. Oh, and kudos for not throwing up upon discovery of said booger.