Friday, May 10, 2013

I hate hate

My boys have yet to start throwing around the "eff" bomb or "aitch, eee double hockey sticks", etc, but they know that in our family, the word "hate" is a bad word when used against someone.

They have caught me saying things like "I hate that [fill in the blank with something like pollen on the car]" and reminded me that it is a bad word.

Although, they have started saying "I hate you" to each other in the car. "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone..."

"Hate" truly is a powerful word. I get incensed when I see people picketing funerals with signs that say "God Hates [fill in the blank]."

So with that established, lemme just draw up a little scene from today that I am writing in a fit of anger (read: this may read all wonky and poorly constructed):

I just walked out of Miles's Pre K singing concert where he waved so proudly to us when the school all got up on the risers to sing. And he sat, stone cold straight faced the ENTIRE concert, nervously playing with his shirt and shorts ties. The intensity of both his pride that he was up there (even though not singing) and intensity of his shyness made my heart burst as well as weep. As someone who has graced the stage for more plays than I can count, seeing his nervousness overwhelm him into what looked like a very unhappy boy is extremely hard for me to manage. Especially since the night before he did a full on performance at home with Felix of what he called "The Money Dance." Sometimes...I just want to untangle his DNA and find the spot that reeks of social anxiety and snip it out.

So, walking out with both pride and heartache, Eric, Miles, Gus and I see a family we know very casually and stop to talk. The mother and father of the family congratulated us on the baby and then found out we had another boy in the middle....

...wait for it...wait for it...

the dad said to Eric and me--IN FRONT OF MILES AND GUS (who totally understands English at 1 month):

"3 boys? Wow, God must HATE you!"

I.was.gobsmacked. My heart was already vulnerable, and aren't we in a parking lot of a church? And are you seriously saying this to me in front of 3 of the 4 males in my life?

And then I wanted to say "God hates hate. Boys, let's get the "eff" outta here..."

I have ducked the slings and arrows of insensitive gender comments from friends, family (sadly), and strangers alike since after finding out our 2nd was a boy. And I have had moments of sadness and grief for the missed opportunity for a mother daughter relationship (and the fact that almost all of my closest friends have all girls), but I try not to feel as though it is a failure, let alone that God is punishing me.

I don't care how "in jest" the father was being. What he said was not okay...and although I could go home and bawl and call my mom and process what he said with her, I wonder if Miles heard, but don't dare ask. We are already in the midst of explaining death and God and I don't want to have to explain this lil gem that was said.

On the heels of mother's day, tell your mom how much you (and God) love her.


  1. You know my feelings about this incident - the whole day in fact. I hope that love will win out and eventually help heal the hurts you've sustained today. I love all the "boys" in my life! Happy Mother's Day honey!

  2. URGHHH<<< some ppl have NO FILTER!! YOu want to know something funny?! I always wanted 3 boys :) The pictures we dream up of older selves at a young age included me having 3 beautiful little boys.. I got two and honestly had a hard time adjusting to having a daughter, but of course now wouldnt change it for the world!!
    I see your pictures and a tiny bit of jelously creaps in!! You are the ONLY Queen (or princess) in your family and those adorable little boys are goign to grow up into handsome men who protect and care for you in a way only men can!!
    I say God LOVE YOU and knew exactly what to bless your famliy with :)
    Love you girl!!

  3. Oh Ali. I can't imagine why someone would say something so stupid (and clearly quite untrue... has he seen the love in your family, gender aside?).

    My father has a knack for saying things like that at precisely the wrong times. It's easier to forgive when it's your father though.

    No. Excuse.